‘An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.’
H. L. Mencken, 1880-1956, American Journalist
Crude Generalisations, Narcissism & Coffee
I have an assignment due in 48 hours and yet, this is the moment I choose to find confidence to write. I acknowledge I began this blog with ‘I’ but the title allows it. I don’t know how but I have become that student that does her work 10 hours before the deadline. I would go as far to say I am a lazy person, I’m improving, but still lazy. I never wanted to be that person. But, it does give me a kind of sadistic pleasure that all my course mates are in chaos 3 weeks before and I decide to start the Sex and the City box set for the 7th time.
I’m sure this isn’t shocking to most but my course is not one you can attend half-heartedly. We even have an attendance contract with the University and the Government. Heavy stuff.
If I am completely honest I don’t know whether I wanted to start writing because it truly is a suppressed pipeline dream, or whether I have convinced myself of this because writers are just so sassy; Carrie Bradshaw, Kelly Oxford and Lena Dunham, to name but a few. I do shy away from social networking, in terms of writing a status every hour. I don’t want people to make a judgment on me, from something that is not representative. Without having a clear image of who you are and who you want to be, how can you put yourself onto the Internet for other people to judge? This is why I thought a blog would be interesting, I can ramble so much that the readers will get confused and unable to make a judgment.
My brother once said that being an enigma is the best kind of persona.
My fear of writing also stems from my fear of failure, which every human being has, I’m sure. Mine prevented me from putting 100% into my A Levels, even though my future was on the line. I was scared that if I put my all in and failed, it would mean I was helplessly stupid. As it happens, when I got to my first university, I drove myself into the ground for my exams and assignments because I loved History so much and I got high 2:1’s and 1st’s. Lesson learnt.
Ben Fold’s once said ‘there is always someone cooler than you’ this is the lesson I learnt and blindly held onto throughout school. What is the point trying to make it to the top? There is always someone who will make you feel inadequate. The only people, who are truly on top, are the people that couldn’t give a fuck.
So, in the light of my lessons learnt, I am going to write. Regardless of failure or judgment. If I truly am, what I profess to be - someone who genuinely does not care for other people’s judgment, what am I scared of?